Worse Than Divorce

This video popped up on my Facebook feed this week and it reminded me of a recent conversation I had with my mom. My husband and I have been together for nearly 10 years. While I’m very fortunate to be with a wonderful person who is kind, loving, and my best friend, I’d be lying if I said it was easy. Relationships are hard work. It takes both partners giving their all, cultivating happiness, and choosing to love above all. Most days are sweet as pie but we have some that aren’t. 

While we’ve gone through times it seemed the easiest thing to do would be to throw in the towel, at the end of the day that’s not what either of us wants. Sure we can get on each other’s nerves, not see eye to eye, and just need some time alone. The thing is, not only do we love and support one another, we also challenge one another to be better. It’s not always pleasant, but it is necessary if you want to grow. I’m thankful that I have someone that is willing to challenge me, support me, and grow with me.

During the tough times, I always remind myself of why we started dating in the beginning. I think about all of his good qualities, the things I love about him, and look back on the wonderful memories. It can be really easy to dwell on flaws and shortcomings when you’re going through a rough patch. The truth is, you have to put things into perspective. For me, I know there is no perfect partner. My life isn’t a rom-com and my husband wasn’t made in a factory specifically for me. He’s a person with strengths and imperfections just like me.

So while there have been times during the course of our 10-year relationship that we’ve questioned the longevity to come, what we’ve never questioned is the commitment we have to one another. We work through our rough patches, and remind ourselves to water the grass in our relationship. It’s only through dedication, nurturing, and partnership that the grass will grow back healthy, full, and strong. I think so many times, we’ve been fooled to think the grass grows green on its own. We forget that those long-term healthy relationships have put a lot of care, maintenance, and work into growing that green grass.

I just want to encourage you to sit down with your partner and come up with a maintenance schedule that works for the two of you. A care plan to water the grass of your relationship. One that you are both happy with and caring for together. It takes work to maintain a relationship, it doesn’t happen by chance, and love alone isn’t enough to sustain it. There are many aspects to keeping it healthy and vibrant. The secret to success is different for every couple. By working together with your partner, you can craft your own.

Here’s the video I mentioned earlier-

I know this is an uncomfortable subject but if your relationship really is worse than divorce, I’d like to encourage you to evaluate your options. If you are in an unhealthy relationship, please seek professional support. No one has to stay in an unhealthy relationship. 

18 Replies to “Worse Than Divorce”

  1. So spot-on! After 25 years of marriage, I reached an all-time low and gave up on my marriage, found a new partner and got divorced. Over the 20 years since, I’ve spent much soul-searching about how we could have grown so far apart and let this happen. I wish that I had been more open and honest, OUTSPOKEN EVEN, about what I needed from the marriage that I wasn’t getting, and really given my ex the opportunity to grow. Instead of expressing what I needed, I could only focus on how miserable I was, until I didn’t think I could go on if I couldn’t get out. In hind sight, just because he wasn’t meeting my needs doesn’t mean he wasn’t giving his all. And just because I had given 110% to the marriage, doesn’t mean I was meeting his needs either. Most important, giving 110% shouldn’t mean giving-IN. BOTH partners need to stretch and grow to accommodate each other’s needs and how can that happen if you don’t honestly express those needs?

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    1. Thank you so much for your transparent reflection. I think all chapters in our lives were meant to be. It seems like you’ve learned a lot about yourself in that time period which has likely served you well in your current relationship. It’s so important to be true to ourselves and feel comfortable enough to express that. Happy Sunday ❤

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  2. You’ve explored relationships, ups, and downs-in such a beautiful way and treated issues like conflicts cum overcoming hurdles so well. It’s a very mature and sensitive take. Kudos to both of you for such a long journey of togetherness.

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  3. Divorce is an extremely hard decision to make. I was with my ex for a long while and when we got married it quickly all changed. He started drinking and doing drugs constantly and in what was a long 5 months of hell in the relationship. Long nights of him being drunk and me fighting for him to be sober, going back and forth on staying or leaving and researching all I can about being in this type of relationship and finally realizing in 5 months of marriage there wasn’t one day in the marriage that I was happy I left. I went back once to try but not for very long. Now I’m in the most loving relationship that when it hits rough patches I want nothing but to grow from it with him and us to grow stronger from it and it’s the best feeling in the world.

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    1. I’m so sorry you experienced that. I’m glad that you’re now in a healthy relationship. The hardest chapters of our lives often hold the most valuable lessons. I’m glad that you’re challenging yourself to grow during the rough patches. Keep fertilizing the soil of your relationship during those rough patches and it’s sure to grow stronger ❤

      Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m glad you enjoyed it. I think it’s important to be honest about these things. It’s more comfortable to say my relationship is perfect and it’s effortless to be together, but it’s not true. You have to maintain a healthy relationship ❤

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      1. A lot of young girls just think that when they find their perfect man, everything will turn into a fairytale. But I totally agree, relationship and especially marriage is hard work that will turn your life into a fairytale until it’s time to work hard again.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I embrace the philosophy that you should be complete before entering into a relationship. I don’t buy into the “other half” scenario. If you are complete, whole, and accepting of yourself, you won’t look for your partner to fill in the spaces you feel are incomplete. I entered into my relationship that way. I had to learn that no matter what my husband did, he couldn’t make me happy. I had to love myself for who I was and cultivate my own happiness. Even though he adores me, his love for me wasn’t enough to change the love I had (or didn’t have) for myself. My relationship has never been as good as it has been for the past 3 years that I really dedicated myself to learn to love, embrace, and accept myself.

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  4. Well said and very honest! I’ve been married for 28 years and it does take hard work. I believe it’s about communicating HONESTLY with each other and being true to yourself! There is nothing wrong with saying how you feel and when things bother you enough to express that as well. We are not perfect human beings and so we need to learn to take the good with the bad from each other. In the end, it’s all about mutual respect, trust, communicating daily and of course love.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Congratulations on 28 years of marriage to you and your spouse. Thank you for sharing, it’s so important to feel comfortable enough within yourself and your relationship to speak honestly and openly. To many more years of love, happiness, and togetherness ❤

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