If you’re currently pregnant, I advise you not to read this. It’s just not the kind of post you want during this stage.
For anyone that has struggled with a pregnancy loss or infertility of any kind, I feel your pain. Every now and then this post weighs heavy on my heart and I revive this. My heart is with you.
This is a post I wrote in 2012. The intention of this post is not to take away from anyone else’s experience or to make secondary infertility superior to infertility in general in any way. This post came as a way of healing from the pain I experienced as a result of secondary infertility, not having anyone that could relate to me at the time, and feeling like I was wrong for having these feelings. My only objective with this post is to give at least one woman hope and if nothing else a virtual reassurance that she’s not alone. Most people in my life are not very open about miscarriage, loss, infertility or the like. That’s fine, I don’t expect everyone to feel comfortable discussing this. What I do know is that it would have given me some sense of relief to know that others I know have been there, they know what it’s like, I wasn’t alone. So I take every chance I get to open up about my struggle, my hurt and my loss, not for me, not because I like going there, not because it’s comfortable but because I never know who is still in this situation that might be encouraged. Who I can give hope to by opening up and saying I” went through this” so they might have the courage to say “me too, and I need someone with first hand understanding to be there for me. I have not edited the post below since I originally wrote it and honestly, it’s hard for me to read.
Anyone that knows me knows that I have a 4 year old daughter that I love more than life itself. They also know that my husband and I want nothing more than to give her a sibling.
When our daughter was about 15 months old my husband and I decided we would start trying for #2. We have friends , relatives and friends of friends telling us their stories and ones they knew of the difficulty of getting pregnant the second time around.
My husband’s oldest brother is 5 years older than him, followed by another brother who is 3 years older than him and a sister that us 5 years younger. While they all get along as well as any close knit family does, those age gaps are much larger than we planned for.
My brother is 3 years younger than me and while its not a large age gap, growing up we had our moments. During early childhood we were very close however, as I approached middle school things changed. I mean who wants their 2nd grade brother hanging around with them and their friends when you are in the 6th grade?
We decided closer to a 2 year age difference would be ideal. So when my daughter was 15 months we started our “not trying but not preventing” journey. That was in December of 2009. By February of 2010 we got our BFP (big fat positive for anyone new to the TTC-trying to conceive lingo). How lucky were we?! I couldn’t believe how easy it was! Almost as easy as the first time around!
Then just a week after we found out, I woke up in the middle of the night with the most awful, sharp, gut wrenching, horrendous pain. I will spare you the details but as you can imagine that resulted in miscarriage (#1).
To this day I can still recall the disbelief. How could it be that just one week earlier my sheer and utter happiness could result in such a heartbreaking sadness? I tried to put things in perspective and move on. I was only about 7-8 weeks along by my calculations and I hadn’t had an ultrasound or heard a heartbeat and the baby wasn’t big enough to feel. I tried to tell myself all sorts of things so the situation didn’t seem as bad as it could have been.
So we continued with our journey only to have losses in August of 2011 and August of 2012. Well after my third loss my OBGY had me do some extensive blood work. After weeks of waiting I was told I had high Lipoprotein A (LpA) which basically means that it causes blood clots preventing the baby from being able to develop, resulting in a loss (around 7-10 weeks). I’m not a doctor I’m just relaying the Cliff Notes of the information provided to me.
While there isn’t a magic vitamin, pill or cure at least I finally had an answer. I still am a little scared and nervous. Those who have gone through one or reoccurring losses understand the emotional toll it takes on you. From feelings of failure, guilt, sorrow, anger, and leading to jealousy it’s not a fun situation to be in.
Women who are trying to conceive but have no children can’t understand in the same way or relate to you because “at least you have one child”. Yes I do and I thank God everyday for her and if I only wanted one it would be perfect! The problem is, I’ve always wanted to have a large family and pictured myself with at least 3 kids. Unless you experience it you can’t understand the helplessness of not being able to expand your own family.
That’s what people do right? Its part of the cycle of life, something so natural that seems so easy. You hear of people getting pregnant the first time they have intercourse, girls that have one night stands, couples that aren’t trying because it’s not the right time or they don’t want anymore. Yet you and your husband want nothing more and it just doesn’t happen.
Enter resentment and jealousy. After 3 going on 4 years it seems like life is unfair or trying to punish you for something you don’t even know you did. To top it off, all you see is happy pregnant women everywhere, the movies the store, the gas station, the bar…everyone but you.
At first you are genuinely happy for your friends when you hear about their easily conceived little one. Somehow as time goes on, it gets harder and harder to muster up a smile. You aren’t jealous (at first) you are just sad. Then it gets to a point that you just can’t understand why her and not you. I’m not saying this is rational, its not like there’s a limited quantity of pregnant women allowed at once but somehow it seems like for every pregnant women you see, another chance for you to get pregnant has just been given away.
So here we are, going into the 4th year of trying for a sibling for our little girl and hoping she can feel connected and have a special bond with her little brother or sister if we are so lucky as to have a second (full term) time around. When I’m at my lowest my husband tells me not to worry, he has enough faith for both of us. So when it seems like my child will grow up an only child, I hug my pillow a little tighter that night and hope it muffles my sobs and beg God, my guardian angels and any other divine beings that they please do me this one favor, and let me be the next pregnant woman I know.
If nothing else, I hope this journey helps me to enlighten, encourage or inspire someone else because at the end of the day, I know I’m not alone and it could always be worse and this post in this blog might move one person and give them the same hope my husband gives me.
Please ignore any typing or grammatical errors, I’m writing this in the go. Its therapeutic because if I hadn’t lost my last little Angel, I would be 6 months along and 3 short months from welcoming it into the world and relishing in that new baby smell.
I later underwent a year of naturopathic treatment as my progesterone levels were too low to carry a full term pregnancy. I did go on to get pregnant in March of 2014 and had a healthy full-term pregnancy. That is a story all in itself that I’ll have to write about at some point.
My late birthday present and early Christmas present. She came just 5 days before her due date and was healthy and perfect in every way.